Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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