every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
