I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
