PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
