All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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