Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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