The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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