I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's shark week go big or go home
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
