I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
