Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
