One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
