I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I use my feet as sexual weapons
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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