He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
