I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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