my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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