Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
we're so committed to being not committed
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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