Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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