I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
