you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
