dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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