Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
