i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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