There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
