can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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