My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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