I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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