Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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