I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
