alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
