You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
