Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
