My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
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I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
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