no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
