Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
