I cannot find my penis.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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