i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
