the day after is always just damage control
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
