mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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