he shaved USA in his pubs
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
