We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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