i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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