I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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