this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
