Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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