No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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