using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
