kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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