So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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