Your face is a jimmy john
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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