my phone needs a breathalizer
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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