JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
