They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
