I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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